mid life crisis

I was just visiting an old friends blog and listened to some of her new tunes. Her new tunes usually consist of hippie bands or hair bands, but just the same, I like them. I scrolled down and listened to a Gin blossoms song and it was painful. I know, I know, it is the Gin Blossoms after all (sorry kat). Seriously though, they were all that several years ago and I even had the cassette. But it was painful in that way that only certain sensory elements can grab you and throttle you sometimes, like smells, music is incredibly evocative for me.

Instantly I was hit by the wave. I was just starting out, I had just graduated from college, just bought my first new car, just moved to Phila., just moved into possibly the best apartment ever, just started a great job in a big hospital, and was shoring up the romantic relationship that was to be my last. It was all exciting, scary, but empowering. I was in my very early 20's but I felt I had done all the things an early 20's chick should have done-dated and partied. Now I was done with all that, I was moving on to adulthood and it felt great. I did not fear the movement into the next phase of my life at all.

The song comes in because I used to listen to it frequently (on my tape deck) in that brand new car on the way to work. I thought I had everything wrapped up. I had the world by the short one so to speak. I didn't fear anything.

Over the next 15 or so years things have continued to be more or less great, and fairly routine. Nothing shocking or unusual. Hmmm......

I think back to those times and I realize that the reason that everything was great and I didn't really fear anything is because I had the rest of my life to do whatever I wanted. I had no limitations. I wasn't too old for anything! I know I am not old-old, but it is a little late for some things. I sort of feel like I have been carelessly meandering down this road and now I see where I am heading and I want to slow down or go back a little. My kids are growing up so fast, our young family is maturing and soon I will be sending them off. There are so many things that I enjoy that I think "a girl almost 40 should be more mature". I never, ever, ever want to be the lady that doesn't know she is middle aged. You know, the one who still shops at Abercrombie even though she is 50. Please lady, go across the hall to Eddie Bauer.

Anyway, I have felt over the last few years (pretty much after 35 for me and after the toddler years for the kids) that even though I am looking forward to the next phase(s), I fear them because they are one more phase closer to the end. And I am afraid they won't be as sweet as the last. I guess I just don't feel older sometimes, but I know that I am.