Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Gam

Some of you may have known that my dear Gammy has been ill for a while. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago. Over the past few months she has been declining very fast with a most recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Hospice has been involved and very helpful. She was able to get out and visited us for Thanksgiving. She took a rapid dive from then until Christmas, passing away on Christmas morning. She was a really wonderful grandmother, and one very dear to my heart. She had always been very involved with the three granddaughters she had, and loved her great grandsons to a fault. I was her first granddaughter, and so I enjoyed her the longest. I don't know if my sons will ever really understand how much she loved them, but I know the depth of it, I was on the receiving end of it too. As a kid, I spent many nights, sometimes weeks in the summertime at her house. I was the queen of the castle. Nightly baths, always with a special purple towel to dry off with, (don't forget in between your toes!), being tucked in between really crisp and clean white sheets under a floral purple comforter. Shopping trips, talks about all sorts of things...in a lot of ways, she was my refuge from a childhood that really wasn't. She was my little Gammy, all 95 pounds of her. She demonstrated to me what it was to be a lady, and instilled a degree of refinement.

I have been blessed to not have lost anyone in my adult years that has ever been this close, and now that she is gone, for the first time, I understand the void that is felt. Not only the sadness and sometimes regret, but like a part of you is missing. I can't say I am all that fond of it. I have dealt with death lots and lots of times at work, usually handled it OK. I have always known it is not for me though. I don't like to think about it, talk about it, I abhor funerals, least of all, I don't like to contemplate my family's involvement in it. It puts me in a state of anxiety and depression, so I just altogether ignore it. Denial can be a really great coping mechanism.

Ah, I am making it sound like I am a basket case, which really I am not, more rambling than anything.

Despite the start of the day, we elected to not tell the kids,(maybe tomorrow)and we had a decent day. We spent it with family, and it was good. From here we are moving on, making arrangements today. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Whew

It's over. I have put in my notice at work and I will be able to focus on school and family after February 1. Going back to work almost a year ago was not something I wanted to do wholeheartedly. I worried that my life would spiral out of control, I would never have time to do anything, that I would fail at school, and make myself and my family miserable. I did it primarily because I had a stipulation to fulfill for my studies. Well, the past year has resembled what I anticipated, although perhaps not to the degree I had imagined. Yes, things were more difficult managing home and family, relationships were neglected, but overall it was an experience I am glad I am not without. It has shown me a new appreciation for working moms, not to mention single working moms (a big shout out to all of you who do it!), and I have gained a perspective on the human condition that I didn't expect. There is some ambivalence, however. There is a part of me that really longs to be productive. I know, I know...being a wife and mom is productive. Being involved and interested in your family pays big dividends. No arguments from me. I don't want a job or career at the expense of that, but I want more. Having the mental and intellectual stimulation of colleagues, operating in a dynamic that is challenging, being fiscally rewarded for such, having a reason to get up, wear make-up and nice clothes...these are little things but they do a lot for self-worth. I really (for the most part) enjoyed my job, loved (for the most part :) the people I worked with, and enjoyed the aforementioned perks. But I am certain it is time to retreat a bit. Take my time back to study without guilt, tend to some parched relationships, clean my house ( I will do this in February), and enjoy being at home with my kids. Jeff says he knows what I am going to be doing with all of the time I gain, blogging. lol. (he thinks I can be a bit obsessive at times) I don't know about that, but it sure feels good to not cringe when the thought of taking on a new task comes up. And so, I am looking forward to returning to my life, and nourishing the parts that have been starved.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Out on a limb

Newbie. Neophyte. Green…all of which describe me relative to blogging. I find that this is not as sterile as expected; I even have a Christmas tree in my virtual pad! I have grown to enjoy your blogs over the past few months and I love keeping up with all of you through them. Bear with me as I get accustomed to sharing…
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