Some of you may have known that my dear Gammy has been ill for a while. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago. Over the past few months she has been declining very fast with a most recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Hospice has been involved and very helpful. She was able to get out and visited us for Thanksgiving. She took a rapid dive from then until Christmas, passing away on Christmas morning. She was a really wonderful grandmother, and one very dear to my heart. She had always been very involved with the three granddaughters she had, and loved her great grandsons to a fault. I was her first granddaughter, and so I enjoyed her the longest. I don't know if my sons will ever really understand how much she loved them, but I know the depth of it, I was on the receiving end of it too. As a kid, I spent many nights, sometimes weeks in the summertime at her house. I was the queen of the castle. Nightly baths, always with a special purple towel to dry off with, (don't forget in between your toes!), being tucked in between really crisp and clean white sheets under a floral purple comforter. Shopping trips, talks about all sorts of things...in a lot of ways, she was my refuge from a childhood that really wasn't. She was my little Gammy, all 95 pounds of her. She demonstrated to me what it was to be a lady, and instilled a degree of refinement.
I have been blessed to not have lost anyone in my adult years that has ever been this close, and now that she is gone, for the first time, I understand the void that is felt. Not only the sadness and sometimes regret, but like a part of you is missing. I can't say I am all that fond of it. I have dealt with death lots and lots of times at work, usually handled it OK. I have always known it is not for me though. I don't like to think about it, talk about it, I abhor funerals, least of all, I don't like to contemplate my family's involvement in it. It puts me in a state of anxiety and depression, so I just altogether ignore it. Denial can be a really great coping mechanism.
Ah, I am making it sound like I am a basket case, which really I am not, more rambling than anything.
Despite the start of the day, we elected to not tell the kids,(maybe tomorrow)and we had a decent day. We spent it with family, and it was good. From here we are moving on, making arrangements today. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
Rambling, as you put it, is the one of the most important aspects of grieving - sharing how much our loved one meant to us, reviewing aloud all of our shared memories and the impact that they had on our life, their quirks and foibles - these are all ways in which we acknowledge and absorb our loss.
ReplyDeleteRamble away, and we can know this extraordinary woman through your words.
Oh, Teresa! I am so sorry for your loss! I know how special your Gammy was to you. It's hard to lose a grandparent! I remember Grandpop's passing so clearly still even though it's been a few years now! I will be praying for you and your family as you celebrate her life.
ReplyDeleteLove you so much.
Until I see you, hopefully today, I'm hugging you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI love you, friend.