Happy Happy

It has been an exciting 24 hours. I say that tongue-in-cheek. I am such a spaz sometimes. I become so focused, consumed, and tunnel-visioned with the most ridiculous stuff. The internet went out yesterday afternoon. This was after all of the hullabaloo with my new template and no links. I still have to figure that one out, every time I try to change it to a new color or italicize my words it wipes out my links and comments, but I digress. sort of. So I was already stirred up over that, I wasted too much time on it then I find in the middle of the day nothing is loading. I wait a couple of hours, hoping. I have 2 assignments due. crap.

So I call comcast. I have no bill, they are not in the yellow pages, and I have no internet to look them up, so I dial 1800comcast and sure enough, there they are. So the guy has me unplug my router so he can "look at" my modem. hmmmmmm, not seeing anything, it must be a bad modem or something outside of the house, he has to send someone out but not until tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!?!?!?

I deduce that if it is the modem, I should save some time by trying that first, so I go to kmart to buy a new modem. Not sure if anyone goes to our kmart for electronics, but if you are planning on it, save yourself the time and go to best buy. They had nothing.

SO I buy some pantry organizers (I am a new flylady remember) and leave. I answer my phone and curse and spit at my husband. Poor guy, it isn't his fault. (at least I don't think so).

I go home resigned to just wait until tomorrow. Maybe I can do my assignment with the books I have, save it to a file and upload it from a friends house. I am looking forward to the comcast guy coming, he is always so friendly. We have had several dealings with him since moving. My contractor even gave him the name "Happy" when they were working here. *dripping sarcasm*

So Jeff comes home early and volunteers to take the kids to Wal-Mart to get a new modem. I agree and there is a riot. "I DON"T WANNA GO!" "I WANT YOU TO GO MOMMY!" Then Jeff mentions chinese buffet and I relent.

SO off we go to Sayre. I have no work done whatsoever. But hey, chinese is involved.

We get home and I resist the urge to fiddle with setting up the new modem. We decide that since it is so late we will wait until happy gets here to see for sure before we open the new modem. Jeff monkeys with it a bit, resets it or something to no avail.

This morning I go in and plug the router back in, the lights come on and I have internet.

I call the nice guy back at comcast to cancel Happy. I can only hope the cancellation will reach him in time so as not to disrupt his day, and also so that I don't have to give him the news that I don't need him anymore when he shows up at my door.

I am out the door at 11:35 to pick up my drycleaning and head to Scranton. All is well and no Happy. My day at the new practice is good, very different than from where I was, but good. I am looking forward to being there, however the drive is a bit killer, about 1hr40min. But it is temporary. It got me thinking about a lot of stuff (the drive), but that will have to wait until another blog. The natives are starting to circle...

No links!

I am not sure why, but after I played with my template yesterday I am no longer able to link to anything or view my comments. Except on my laptop from which I do all of my playing since my desktop does not like pop-up windows. (It freezes up and causes me to curse and spit every time)

I have no idea what is going on, my comments are enabled, everything looks the same. I am stressing a bit here, does anyone know what it could be? All the links are enabled on my laptop, but not my other computer and Tiff emailed me this morning to say she could not get into my comments either. Augh!

little help?

FLYing

I have decided to reign in the CHAOS. Do ya wanna know what that is? Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Plus I generally have a lack of routine and organization. So I joined flylady. Some of you know her, I met her once years ago, but she was too hardcore for me at the time. Well, I need to develop some monotony (just kidding) but I do need a routine, and after having a blogiscussion with the housewife about lack of structure at home, I decided to look her (flylady)up again. I am taking my own approach to this so far, but I am going to start her daily routine very soon. I just had to get a jumpstart on the kitchen and let me tell you, it hasn't been this clean since we moved in. I just have the floor to do. I took almost 3 huge trashcans full of junk out of just my kitchen. scary. I even inventoried all foodstuffs to mealplan. I KNOW!

So, I have been doing that for 2 straight days, no interruptions, no plans. It amazes me how much time a house takes. I just want to not always feel like I am cleaning and then having it all undone seconds later. So this is really a change in habits, not a cleaning style. It will hopefully go better than weight watchers. I am not a huge fan of delayed gratification or deprivation. Now is better. ya know?

The next 2 days will be devoted solely to psychopharm, then off to my clinical site in Scranton on Friday.

Then as far as we all still know, my BIL is getting married on saturday.

Then another week of FLYing, psychopharm, then that next saturday my family and I are off to the Bahamas bay bay! Then I return to take my retched final exam. Then 2 weeks of freedom, sweet, sweet freedom.

Intro

I just wanted to let my blooger gals know of another great blog (with a really nice blogger gal on the other end) The (not so) reluctant housewife. She is a very, very old friend, even older than I am. (Sorry kat) Seriously, Kathy was one of my closest friends in high school and we have kept in touch sporadically through the years, but we were real tight for time and I am thrilled to be able to keep up with her a little more regularly now. Don'tcha justlove blogs? Or B-Lawgs if you prefer ;)
Anyhoo, if you could actually meet her you would love her. She is brand spankin new to blogging so if you want, give her a shout.

mid life crisis

I was just visiting an old friends blog and listened to some of her new tunes. Her new tunes usually consist of hippie bands or hair bands, but just the same, I like them. I scrolled down and listened to a Gin blossoms song and it was painful. I know, I know, it is the Gin Blossoms after all (sorry kat). Seriously though, they were all that several years ago and I even had the cassette. But it was painful in that way that only certain sensory elements can grab you and throttle you sometimes, like smells, music is incredibly evocative for me.

Instantly I was hit by the wave. I was just starting out, I had just graduated from college, just bought my first new car, just moved to Phila., just moved into possibly the best apartment ever, just started a great job in a big hospital, and was shoring up the romantic relationship that was to be my last. It was all exciting, scary, but empowering. I was in my very early 20's but I felt I had done all the things an early 20's chick should have done-dated and partied. Now I was done with all that, I was moving on to adulthood and it felt great. I did not fear the movement into the next phase of my life at all.

The song comes in because I used to listen to it frequently (on my tape deck) in that brand new car on the way to work. I thought I had everything wrapped up. I had the world by the short one so to speak. I didn't fear anything.

Over the next 15 or so years things have continued to be more or less great, and fairly routine. Nothing shocking or unusual. Hmmm......

I think back to those times and I realize that the reason that everything was great and I didn't really fear anything is because I had the rest of my life to do whatever I wanted. I had no limitations. I wasn't too old for anything! I know I am not old-old, but it is a little late for some things. I sort of feel like I have been carelessly meandering down this road and now I see where I am heading and I want to slow down or go back a little. My kids are growing up so fast, our young family is maturing and soon I will be sending them off. There are so many things that I enjoy that I think "a girl almost 40 should be more mature". I never, ever, ever want to be the lady that doesn't know she is middle aged. You know, the one who still shops at Abercrombie even though she is 50. Please lady, go across the hall to Eddie Bauer.

Anyway, I have felt over the last few years (pretty much after 35 for me and after the toddler years for the kids) that even though I am looking forward to the next phase(s), I fear them because they are one more phase closer to the end. And I am afraid they won't be as sweet as the last. I guess I just don't feel older sometimes, but I know that I am.

my demise?

Well, it is official. This class is going to kill me. I had an exam last night, I don't remember if I complained about it specifically in my last blog or not but I don't want to go back and check. So, let me just say that the average grade for the class was 56. Yes, that is correct, 56%, like out of 100%. Now I am nothing if not modest, but I would like to add that mine was slightly higher, slightly. 50 questions. multiple choice no less. apparently taken from material that our class was not privvy to.

I am slightly angry at this point, I don't expect it to be easy, nor do I want him to spoon feed us the info directly from the literature. He explained to us that exam questions directly from the readings were appropriate for bachelors level, not masters. oh. pardon me. But perhaps you could give us questions that are somewhat relevant to the work we just neglected our families, homes, (and for some, personal hygiene) for!? I know there are people who studied far more than me and no one did well. So why bother? Is this some teaching technique that I am not familiar with? C'mon, I know there are teachers reading this, divulge! It's torture isn't it, it isn't really techniqe. There is sadism behind this, I know it!

There is a happy ending, he curved it 28 points. Go figure. No,no don't write applicable questions, just provide the most anxiety provoking experience of my academic career to date ( I think I might have PTSD now) and then throw in some extra, unearned points. I think everybody will be happy with that.

My homebound life so far...

So, the kids are home from school today...so far, so good. Nobody has been injured or insulted yet. I however, am in a state of sedated anxiety. I am loving being home again, and I really enjoy having the extra time for study, but all the things I didn't have time for before are taking up my time now and I don't have that much more time to study than I did before. Or so it seems. Jeff was trying to be so helpful last night around 8pm, "why don't you do a couple of hours now?" In my head I am screaming "because I am exhausted due to the large amount of clean clothing you and the children now have, the dinner you just ate that I stood for a little over 3 hours in the kitchen making, the lack of obstacles in your path when traveling from one room to the other, and the abatement of urine smells in all of the bathrooms, etc, etc, etc..." However what I said was, "thanks for your input" and smiled lovingly. I then took my carcass into the bedroom and prepared for an hour or so of Scrubs.

I am having such escalated anxiety because (caution:whining ahead) the classes are getting harder and we still only have a limited amount of time each term to get through everything. In class last Monday, a couple of students were diplomatically lamenting this fact to the prof. to which he icily replied "I know this sounds cold, but you're going to have to get used to it, it doesn't get any easier" then proceeded to tell us that the first exam we had, (which I thought was semi-killer) was sort of a 'gimme'. He used mainly "easy" questions so that we all got off to a good start and gained some confidence. No such charity will be extoled any longer. They should call this class "Extremely detailed microneurobiology and chemistry" I just don't know how I am going to remember all of the drugs, their actions, their indications, the pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics, the chemistry, and how this all works once introduced into the human body (we aren't all alike you know). I feel so out of my league. I would like my GPA to stay where it is, but I also really need to know this stuff! I wish I had paid attention better in undergrad sciences. I didn't think I would ever really use this stuff. So anybody out there in nursing school thinking you only need to know the Krebs cycle for the next exam, you're wrong!!!

I totally feel like a whiner, especially since I don't have to work anymore, but this is awful. I am actually kind of scared. So what am I doing? Blogging. Eh, it helps to vent a bit. I have 42 valentines to make today, quality time to spend with my kids, and I expect to get some stuff done and that will alleviate some of this, so that is all good. Oh, and nobody has had the evil bug that everyone else in Bradford County has had, so that is really good!! I had the Anna version, about 2 days of feeling like crap and thinking "uh-oh, here it comes" but that's it.

Alright, time to get my butt in gear and get at this day. The spewing and self-pity are over (for a while anyway:).

Happy Valentine's Day

Marriage or Resignation

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and it's really more of a rhetorical question, but I welcome your feedback. When does marriage become a resignation from yourself?

Maybe I should give a little background to my query...I have had multiple conversations with friends and acquaintances regarding either impending marriages or existing marriages that are taking place or exist for reasons other than the desire to be with each other. I know what many of you are thinking...maybe along the lines of "it isn't always easy", "marriage is hard", "love is a choice" and maybe just plain old " divorce is a sin". I know this. But I am trying to understand what makes a marriage at the point when one or both of the committed parties no longer wants in, they can't stand each other, they are getting married because it is the "right thing to do", one treats the other with ultimate disdain and disrespect, infidelity exists, etc... Why get married or stay married when the marriage is a sham? How is that a celebration or analogy of Christ and the church?

Now, don't misunderstand, I am not talking about couples who have "issues", we all do and we pray or seek counseling-sometimes both. We try to increase communication becasue we genuinely love and respect our spouse and want the realationship to work, we haven't thrown in the towel and resigned ourselves to the fact that we are no longer or have ever been interested in cultivating a robust and meaningful relationship with the other person. A relationship where everything else is incidental; jobs, friends, children, homes, hobbies, ... everyting stems from the base which is the union. This seems so rare, an authentic couple with this type of relationship. Is it just too hard? Is it really just a pipe dream that you can stay crazy about the same person for the rest of your life? I know there are ups and downs, but I mean overall. At the end of the day you are so glad you married your spouse and despite annoyances, you are glad that you are with them.

It seems there comes a point when you decide to stay or to take the plunge without any real love, and that it is more about a resignation to the wants, needs, or desires that you once had. I don't know, maybe low self-esteem, maybe pressure from well meaning peers and family,maybe guilt. I am not advocating hedonism here, but I am trying to exercise some logic.

I'm stumped.

turd

Just a note to Anna- I thought of you the other day and smiled. I was walking through the foyer on Friday as my darlings were playing blissfully together upstairs with Legos. I just happened to be walking by as I heard Will call his older brother a turd. I didn't even know he knew it. I smiled outwardly as well an inwardly. It just warmed me to know that you are so amused by that word. (sorry Amy...I think I did hear you scream)

This haas is clean

My last day at work was supposed to be last Friday, I had it planned to only see one client, and the rest of the day was going to be reserved for finishing up paperwork, and saying goodbye to the few people that populate the office on Fridays. I would be a free woman, except....another ice storm! Or, "wintry mix" as the meteorologists like to call it. Of all days, the offices are closed. No exit interview, no paperwork, no easy out. They all had a really nice luncheon with cards and even a few gifts on Thursday since it is really a skeleton crew on Fridays. It would have been perfect. So now, I am getting out clothes for tomorrow to go in on a busy Monday. I am hoping to get my stuff done and get out. Friday was a really great day though. The kids were home and they got along so well, all day. Nobody even mentioned TV until afater 3pm - unheard of in these parts! I cleaned and organized my laundry room and rec room, I even did the kitchen. Now, for those of you that know me, know my house and housekeeping skills...you know this is an achievement. I was ready to go, I wanted to do more but the undersides of my feet hurt. (Shoes would have helped) At the end of the day I felt like that weird little chick from "Poltergeist", you know, at the end of the movie where she triumphantly stands with her tousseled little bun in the living room and declares 'this haas is clean!' in her chipmunk drawl.

As the last few weeks of my employment have dwindled, I had increasing moments of panic, like I was walking the plank. I would think, 'what have I done? I am going to be home all the time, what am I going to do!?!?!?!' But after Friday, I am reminded of what a treat it can be to keep a house. It was a blessing to me and my family to have half a house clean.(oh, I also did every blessed piece of laundry, AND folded it right out of the dryer). I am looking forward to doing a better job at it, as well as having some *gasp* free time to read or scrap. I am actually getting kind of excited about getting back into keeping track of my families memories.

It isn't that I abhor cleaning or keeping house, I just get bored with it and get lazy. But I love a clean and well organized home. Just one of my tells of being that lazy perfectionist. I hope my enthusiasm lasts. Although I will have to recooperate after that blitkrieg. I am SO lame after sitting on my butt for 23 out of the 24 hours in the day over the last year that even that bit of physical exertion totally crippled me! I am so ashamed ;) My GF was over on Saturday and we hot tubbed it with Will but I have yet to be able to get up out of the chair with any momentum. Sad. Maybe I should go bowling?