Science and Culture at the White House

I was never a big Obama supporter. Heck, I thought Ron Paul was the guy for the job. But I was never, EVER a McCain supporter. I don't even consider myself all that political, but I am a huge fan of common sense, and sentencing our country to another 4 years of Republican nonsense, well.....that just didn't make sense to me. So I guess by default I slid to the left. Although I didn't have far to go, it seems I like it just left of center. So all you Righties out there, take a peek at this quip:


Science and Culture at the White House

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Home comforts

Applause needed

at least it feels that way. My word has this ever been a thorn in my *ahem* paw. I have written papers before, bigger and I am sure better, but this was a bugger! Well, here she is in all her glory, only 18 pages in all (yes, including tables and references. But still!) but not so bad and it will have to do at this point. I am D.O.N.E






and this is what my house looks like.






and this





Now for all my snarky friends out there thinking 'what is so different?', well, it is. But that is about to change for when my lovely family gets home from church, we will listen to Christmas carols, make cookies, sip hot chocolate, and transform our home.

I hope.

another one down

Another term is about to end. I am done with clinical next week and just have a paper and a final to take then I am half way through this grueling year. I am done June 13. Actually before that since that is graduation. This has been the hardest term yet. Clinical was....well.......an experience. Let's say I have high hopes for the next term.

I swear I am on another planet most of the time. I have no idea what the goings on are at my house. It will be nice to be in the loop again. One thing I do know about is the GINORMOUS screw job we have gotten from our house painter/contractor. I never thought this would actually happen in a small town, let alone to us. Our super nice contractor who promised us the world and brought my kids McDonalds every morning while they were here took our money and ran. That's right. Thousands of it. He was such a slippery little shit, talking up a storm about what he can do, what he will do, when it will get done, how great their work is, etc......... We thought "Is he too good to be true?"

YES

I know, I know, 'why did you pay him up front Teresa?!' B/C we were foolish. So if you want to hire a fantabulous painter who is going to take care of you, do not hire Joe Tripp aka Creative Coatings out of Wyalusing. Now we have gotten estimates from someone else to finish the work and we have to go to court. What a pain.

Thanks Kat

This was the funniest thing I have read in a while. I would love to frame it and put it in my office for all my clients to read.

Our home away from home at the moment




Me and my "old" man

Bonjour

We are here. It is a bit cold today, and blustery. I have pumped myself full of sudafed and advil and am making out quite well. We rolled into town about 7:30 last night, walked around a bit and found a lovely bistro in which to have a curbside dinner.


I am working on my French, but everyone is bilingual.


Today we are looking for the farmers market, trying to get our bearings, and are planning our big sightseeing trek for tomorrow when it will hopefully be about 10 degrees warmer. Jeff is napping now, then we will head back out.





The photo below is of the front of our hotel. The red awning and flower boxes (and the silver mini-van, but note the horse-drawn carriage in the foreground instead). We stayed here last night and will stay tonight. Then on to Le Chateau Frontenac Friday and Saturday.







Below is the view of our street coming out of the hotel. It is very lovely, and the town is unlike any in the US. Unfortunately, it isn't as big of a secret as I thought it was. The main industry here is tourism. :( But if you just block out all of the ginormous coaches that bus people in by the thousands, it is really rather European.



More later after I get some more photos. We are off again to the wine shop, and to try again to find the farmers market as Jeff is now up and ready to GO.

Soccer time

I wish I could say that Will loves kicking that ball around more than he likes getting all decked out in his 'uniform' but I can't honestly do that just yet. He does like playing quite a bit though.



He was the goalie for a bit during practice on Saturday and he thought that was the best!

Love and Marriage

My sister up and flew to Vegas and got married in May.
They had a small ceremony and a nice reception a couple of weeks ago. It was a gorgeous day, and it was so relaxed and well, just real nice. I compiled the pics in a book for her and you can see it here.

Kate & Howard

August 23, 2008

By

Book Preview

Hello Stranger

I am refreshing my page. I really like all the neat new stuff you can add, however, it just serves to clutter I'm afraid. So after about half an hour of adding stuff, I decided to delete it all. Almost all, I made a few minor changes.

As this term draws to a close and I sit at my desk *ahem* studying, I am already fantasizing about what the next two and a half weeks of freedom and bliss will bring. How will I fill my days? Let me see....

I am vowing to update my blogs more reliably. (Also to keep up with yours as well!)
I am going to organize my 'want to reads' in order of greatest desire.
I am going to scan photos, negatives, and organize prints.
I will scrapbook.
I am going to get back together with Flylady. (I mean it this time)
I am going to change my children's attitude, behavior, and character by Friday. (with the help of Kevin Lehman)
I am going to have brunch with my girlfriends.
I am going to have a Sex and The City night with my girlfriends.
I am going to clean my house from top to bottom.
I will organize everyone's sock drawer.
I am going to have a 6th birthday party for my son.
I am going to Quebec for a week to celebrate my husband turning 40.
And maybe spend a little time prepping for the next term.



All in all, I am looking forward to a relaxing time.

eye opener

First day of clinical today. I was so nervous I slept nearly a wink last night. Staff was wonderful and the facility is very nice. Its not Promises in Malibu, but its really nice. Preceptor was nice, I will spending more time than I thought with our class instructor which is actually a good thing. So incredibly knowledgeable. We saw a few patients together today, tomorrow I will be on my own with review after the fact.

The big drug down here is heroin. Heroin is to Bucks/Philadelphia counties as methamphetamine is to Bradford county. Addicts are plentiful and guess what they look like? They look like your nephew, your daughter, your sons, your lawyer, your banker. Mostly your sons, daughters, nieces,and nephews. They are bright, attractive, ridiculously young, and healthy. It breaks your heart into a million little pieces to see them. And I have only been there one day.

Drug use/abuse/addiction is not sexy. It's not cool or trendy. It's not provocative. It's pathetic, ugly, disgusting, destructive, and tragic.

I know we all "know" that. But sometimes we don't (can't) really grasp it. To know that the struggle is now life long after an addiction, relapse can be forever right around the corner. Seeing these beautiful people with their lives essentially taken from them is sobering. no pun intended. Never again will they be without this huge albatross. For those who can't get clean, mental and physical health will deteriorate and a slow and uncomfortable death follows for someone with drug abuse as their lifestyle. That is if you make it that far and don't get a bad bag, or unknowingly mix it with other bad junk like xanax or alcohol and just not wake up the next morning.

I know this is sensitive, those of you who might be or are dealing with it in your lives, I don't want to open up a sore, but please please please....talk to your kids, your family. Do what ever you have to do to keep them away from this stuff.

vags and bags

The META lab is over. Meaning- the pelvic and testicular exams are done. It was as bad as I anticipated, but in different and creepy ways that I did not anticipate. We split up into groups, then 6 at a time we went into an exam room to do the deed. The first was the testicle. 6 women in the room with one male instructor/model. He was the one telling us how to do it all the while holding up his gown- "more pressure when you squeeze the shaft" and "roll the testicle between your fingers". I swear. To make things even more gross, there was an air of inappropriateness because of the behavior of a few students. I am sure they were just nervous, but the instructor did little to maintain control/restore a clinical and professional atmosphere and it escalated the creepiness and made a couple of us extremely uncomfortable. It made doing the exam very difficult.

ok, so then we move on from that trauma to the pelvic. we have an instructor as well as the model/instructor and they were both women. A little better. But not much. I try to dissociate and complete the exam. Finally after almost 4 hours of hearing about sexual abuse, testicles, uteruses, trim pubic hair, and looking for lesions and wildlife, we are freed.

The last 2 days have been with our psych class and psych lectures. We have learned all about clinicals, the theory portion of the class, expectations..... Today a recent graduate visited us at lunch so we could ask her questions and she could tell us what it's really like.

"the worst year of my life" she emphatically declares.

I cry. (jk)

She echoes what the instructors are saying. We haven't seen nothin' yet.

I have often told the tale of the boy who cried wolf to my children, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes not so subtle. I have always wanted to help them to discern what was important to be told and what wasn't, especially in terms of complaining, tattling, and the like. I just want to apologize for all the whining have done up to this point because I now feel that it has been premature. I was sort of hoping that once I got to this point it would become so interesting and exciting that I wouldn't even notice that I was doing work. The recent grad said "double it" in reference to our last class with this instructor and the difficulty level.

I have possibly "the worst year of my life" ahead of me.

So also let me apologize in advance for all the whining sure to come.

:)

I have 2 days left. It is sort of going fast; I am having a good time - learning a lot. But I can't wait to start heading up toward home. I am picking up the boys in Wyalusing on the way home on Friday. That will be so fun to see their faces when it is I, not their dad that shows up on their last day of daycare.

This is a picture of the psych class. The overall NP class is large, 100 or so, but there are just 8 of us. I guess there isn't that big of a draw for those who want to specialize in psych. I failed to get any pics of Jill and I at the Capital Grille last night. It was fun, and a great meal.

So, that's the update. A full day day of psych lectures today, I hope a half-day tomorrow, then home.

relax

this day has been exhausting, relieving, fun, nostalgic, and exciting. I started off with the most stressful exam that I have taken since boards. The dreaded head to toe demo. i passed. then the standardized patient. the old lady that was my patient couldn't have been nicer. it was so intimidating at first. you go into the room like ou are entering an exam room with a patient ready to be examined. you interview them, figure out what to examine, what tests to order, and then diagnose. NOT graded or pass/fail=little stress. then we leave and go back in after 20min or so and they tell you what you did poorly at, what you did right, and what you failed to do at all. she was like my grandma! "oh teresa, you did a great job...but you didn't ask about my marriage..." "you have such a comforting face (lol) and are such a good listener, you didn't act shocked at all when I told you about how much I drank." I loved her! the other girls didn't fare as well, at least with the kindness and approval of their SP's.

Then we were done! My lab partner and I had the same schedule so we were both done (and we are both psych) at the same time. she was stuck in the city so we decided to celebrate. Then Jill was on her way and met us at the pub. We sat outside and had beers, cosmos, and laughs. It was great. Vicki (lab partner, and cute as a button) was waiting for her husband to get off work, then we walked her down to Merrill Lynch, then Jill and I had a great Thai dinner.


Overall, it was a great day to get that awful exam over, not have to be "remediated", to be moving on with the fun parts of school this week, and to see Jill again (and to have another dinner date on Wed!). I love it here.

Friday

picking strawberries. jeep ride without the top. all four of us together for the entire day. a clean garage. freshly bathed children. an early bedtime. bliss.

iLust

A Good Day

Will graduated from Preschool yesterday. It was very cute, and he was very proud. My dad ended up coming, which made me happy, but made Will extra happy and proud. Dad spent some time with Nate on the train tracks while we mingled and got refreshments. Then he took Nate home with him. We headed over later with Will. It was exceptionally low-key, doing just a few simple things...taking the two old jeeps through the woods, a go-kart ride and the boys oogling their promised treasures (an old Jeep truck for Nate, and the yellow '48 Willy's Jeep for Will). We spent some time just shooting the breeze with Dad in the garage, then it was time for Al to head to the stable for chores and we were off for home.

It was so simple, sort of your average, quasi-nondescript day....almost.

Whine post

I am in deep....very very deep cover. I am playing the part of a dedicated and thoughtful NP student.

Seriously, I have gone underground and will remain there until about the end of the 3rd week of June. So, no I haven't fallen off the flat end of the earth, I am not ingoring you, I am not depressed (wait, yes I am...jk), I am just consumed. I know I complain and whine about my classes, specifically this one, more than I should, it is just that I feel like it has taken custody of my life and if I don't behave it will punish me severely. So I bend to it's will, that I spend every minute of my procrastinated day either in a book, at the computer, or running around ensuring my clinical sites and my health compliance are all in order.

I miss everybody, I miss being able to do things, to plan things, to have carefree or not so carefree talks on the phone...lots of stuff. I forget my kids school programs and dates for camp, I have abdicated cleaning and supper making (that's right Housewife...S.U.P.P.E.R) So please don't hold it against me, feel that I am a bad friend, that I don't try hard enough or that I don't like you enough, or even that I am just a self-absorbed pseudofriend. I think about all of you more than you know and wistfully pine for the days that I can interact guilt-free.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and some days I really regret ever having any ambition whatsoever. I feel a lot of responsibility to get this stuff right, like it's do-or-die (the patients, not me of course). And although it sucks almost every single day of my life, there are times when I get a vision of what I can do, what changes I might be able to implement, that will bring relief and comfort to individuals, families, and hopefully to communities.

I will be leaving for Philly on June 14 and will be home June 21. I will be home for 2 weeks, then will go back down for 2-3 weeks. Then I hope to be doing clinical at NTC for a bit. Prayer please!

A quickie

So, things have been relatively ok. Things are looking up, I think. Nate seems to be doing ok, (ghost post). I have really been stressed over this latest class, not only because of the content (you know what I'm talkin about) but also because there are two visits to campus to demo our skills. Skills I think have gone the way of the dinosaur for me. I really need some practice, so if anyone wants a free head to thorax exam, let me know. (Thorax is to the chest, not below!)

This summer I am scheduled to spend most of my time in Philadelphia for clinical, however I was able to speak to my advisor and she was very supportive of changing if I could. It will take some negotiating, but I might be able to spend only a few weeks in Philly, and the rest locally. That has been such a huge weight off my shoulders. I told Nate the other day that I wouldn't be here for his field trip, that I was going away for a few days, and the kid broke out in tears and said "I don't want you to go, why can't daddy go?!" So I guess he doesn't dislike me all that much.

One thing that is really exciting for me, and has I think, helped to ease some of the stress is spending some time with my dear friend Jen, and as we say, "gettin our God on" (for me, gettin it back on).

I have been dry for sooooooooo long. Dry, dry, dry. And it feels so good to just put my feet back in. And to not have someone telling me to just jump in, you get used to it faster that way. Or worse yet, some crazyass trying to push me in, ya know?

So in a nutshell, that is the latest. Nothing dramatic, nothing unusual. Just the persistent stressors, but some bright spots that I didn't see before.

tragedy of the commons

This started out as a reply to Amy, but got too lengthy for a comment. I also thought a new thread would be better for opening it up for discussion.

Disclaimer: I do not have the answer to this problem, and I find myself vacillating between two ideals. But I am going to put his out there for your consideration.

[regarding "Sicko"]
Yes, michael moore is too dramatic, and slants his work to the nth degree. He also oversimplifies the solutions. Canada works, but he didn't look at the other costs. You lose a good deal of your healthcare autonomy, the gov't makes the tough decisions for you, like if you are going to get the dialysis you need, or that cholycystectomy that would make your life so much more bearable. There is a reason that those who can afford it come from all over the world to get their healthcare here in the US. Is the current system troubled and probably going to implode? Yes.

But is socialized medicine ethical?

I suppose it depends on if you think healthcare is a right or a privilege. Most of us in the trenches of healthcare go with the former, rather than the latter, but this presents a dilemma. the tragedy of the commons is a metaphor that has been applied to biology, economics, evolutionary psychology, sociology, and now healthcare. It goes something like this:

There is a finite amount of pasture. Everyone in the village has equal access to it and allows their cattle to graze.The downside is that the resource is exhaustible. Rationally, it makes sense to each individual herdsman to maximize his gain, that is to add to his herd. He asks what the gain would be to him. The positives of adding to his herd are realized by him only, the negatives of overgrazing the land are shared by all the herdsman and so each experiences just a fraction of it. So the logical thing for each individual to do is to increase his herd. But every herdsman does it. Therein is the tragedy, that each man is locked into a system that compels him to increase his herd without limit, in a world that is limited.

Ruin is the destination toward which all the herdsman push by each pursuing his own best interest in a society that believes in the freedom of the commons. Freedom in a commons brings ruin to all.

So, is everyone entitled to unlimited healthcare? Or is socialized the way to go. Do you subscribe to a utilitarian view or a deontological one?

Moore does his best to piss off the population and fuel the rancor towards the current government. I think he is very effective at that. But you have to take him for what he is, a movie maker. He exposes many of the injustices our current system employs, and that is not at all bad. I just don't like it that he thinks he has all the answers.

Our healthcare system is jacked up, and sooner or later, change will occur. And I doubt it will matter what philosophical stance you have. It scares me nonetheless.

<3

This made my day.

what to do...what to do....

I have neglected my blog. I miss it, but I have been keeping up pretty well reading all of yours, even if the comments are few. I am a bit obsessed right now with my new macbook and the new photo equip I have acquired over the past few weeks. It is so exciting! I can barely do my FLYlady (and sadly, my house shows it). Also, classes have started back up. Diagnostics and assessment this term. It is sort of the final didactic training for checking someone out, head.to.toe. There is also a lab component, to which I say, crap.

Now, it only stands to reason that you should have to demonstrate your ability and hopefully proficiency at assessing and diagnosing someone. What I am worried about is that female internals and paps are a part of the curriculum. This could be a deal breaker people. I have no interest whatsoever in either simply doing a onetime demo to prove I can do one, nor do I ever want to incorporate it into any type of healthcare I practice in the future.

Moreover, I do not wish to be the "mannequin" for my lab partner.

Good thing I am interested in learning photoshop. Maybe I could do some freelance graphic design, or *gasp* maybe even some photography. Heck, I would rather do just about anything than look at, "inspect", palpate, or culture someone's crotch.

I know, I know....we all need comprehensive healthcare. I am all for that. I just want someone else doing that part.

I am in psych for crying out loud.

Well, I suppose I will find out what my fate is soon.

Other than that, I am immersed in my tech, and gearing up for the rest of the class. I am thinking about learning a new language too, I just can't decide which one. Spanish is most practical and I have a bilingual friend who is fluent. She could talk to me in Spanish and help it along. The only thing is, I would much rather learn French or Italian. hmmm, decisions, decisions.....

Try it again?

My first edit. I am almost in love with my mac.






If you still can't see it, try this. Let me know what works...

Spring

I am sharing this from a FLYlady email. It just made me really thankful for not only the beauty and grandeur of our natural world, but also grateful for the (so called) simple things.


Spring-

What if we had to pay for it?

I imagined Terry [authors husband] saying,

"Pam, we have to talk."

"What?"

"With the economy the way it is right now, we just don't have the
money to pay for a full blown spring. So you're gonna to have to make
some decisions about what you absolutely have to have bloom as far as
your roses go and we REALLY have a tree dilemma!"

"A tree dilemma? What d'ya mean?"

"I mean you're gonna to have to pick which ones you want to leaf out
and which ones we can leave bare. We can't afford to pay for them
all. Like I know how much you love the walnut tree, but do you have
any idea how many leaves have to go on just that one tree to fill it
out? And then there are the birds."

"What about the birds?"

"We just can't afford to bring `em all in this year. Do you realize
how much it costs to travel these days? So again, you need to decide
which birds you can do without out. You can choose ONE. Pick a bird."

"Pick a bird?"

"That's what I said."

"But I need my Rufus's, and the robins and the finches and the
chickadees and my quail and my crows and those little "walnut" birds
(they're really called bushtits but I don't like that name) oh and I
have to have my blue birds!"

"I wish we could afford all of `em, Honey, but just take those blue
birds for example, they ship from 3,000 miles away! And as much as
you love the robins, the cost of feathers (especially red ones) has
gone up 150% in the last year. Oh and those humming birds you love so
much are energy guzzlers and we just can't afford to have them this
year. Pick a bird."

When I came out of my fantasy dialogue I was filled with gratitude!
Spring is FREE! ALL my trees get to leaf, ALL my roses get to bloom,
ALL my birds get to come, ALL my chipmunks, squirrels, deer, bob cats,
elk, yes and even bear and cougar will be enjoying a very free spring
right along with me.

Thank you God!

anti-intellectualism and virulent ignorance

Simple. Just simple people. Don't confuse, condemn, or try to show them the error of their ways, for there is no error. Just ask them. There seems to be a perverse pride in their belief that it is not important to be educated. Forget even educated, how about even aware. "Pardon me whilst I bury my head in that lovely sand mound right over there."

There is a new book on my list, The Age of American Unreason by Susan Jacoby. In it she examines this anti-intellectualism:

"Americans are in serious intellectual trouble -- in danger of losing their hard-won cultural capital to a virulent mixture of anti-intellectualism, anti-rationalism and low expectations."

"According to a 2006 survey by National Geographic-Roper, nearly half of Americans between ages 18 and 24 do not think it necessary to know the location of other countries in which important news is being made. More than a third consider it "not at all important" to know a foreign language, and only 14 percent consider it "very important."

"That leads us to the third and final factor behind the new American dumbness: not lack of knowledge per se but arrogance about that lack of knowledge."

"The problem is not just the things we do not know (consider the one in five American adults who, according to the National Science Foundation, thinks the sun revolves around the Earth); it's the alarming number of Americans who have smugly concluded that they do not need to know such things in the first place."

"Call this anti-rationalism -- a syndrome that is particularly dangerous to our public institutions and discourse. Not knowing a foreign language or the location of an important country is a manifestation of ignorance; denying that such knowledge matters is pure anti-rationalism."


"Far too many of those who think they're knowledgeable on some very important subjects have in fact been educated into even greater ignorance, swallowing a series of falsehoods and half-truths that make them think they know what they're talking about when they don't..." ~Ed Brayton

ho hum

Not too much to report, even though it has been quite a stretch in between posts. The vacation was the best ever. It worked out that we got a larger room (wonderful with the kids) and access to a private pool. That in itself almost made the vacation. But we also did some very fun stuff. And who wouldn't just be happy to leave this dreariness for blue water, cloudless skies, sand, and warmth? That alone was worth it. SO it was great. I'll stop reveling now, but it was great.

I came home to cram for two days for the psychopharm test. It's all over and i made it through. I start back march 31.

I am trying to get back into my flylady routine, I miss it. I feel like I have been aimless, wandering around with nothing to study and not sure what to clean (I assure you, there are no shortages of options). J really likes it when I am on it, I think he was so impressed that he was going to let some of his married buddies know about it. I call him my flyguy when he chips in and takes some of the routine off my hands. He would probably kill me if he knew I shared that. Good thing he isn't a reader of this blog.

But overall, things are pretty much back to normal. I ordered a new film scanner to scan my negatives to convert to digital. That is going to take months so I thought I can do it when i am studying and whatever. It takes almost a minute per frame! So that is a project. It can run while i am otherwise occupied, but at the computer.

BTW- does anybody have any experience with macbooks? I am also thinking about one of those to do all of my photo and video stuff on. Just not sure if it would be worth it or not.

Ahhhh....we're back

Bye!

Bye guys!

I am still running around trying to get everything packed and things crossed of my to do list in typical fashion, not Flyladying it here at all. So, the floors aren't vacuumed, sorry Anna!

We are leaving extra early to try and avoid the nasty weather.

I hope.

I am going to try to send photos to my blog from my cell, I haven't ever tried, but apparently it is something you can do.

I will miss you but will catch up with everyone when I get back.
The ship has email, but I don't remember what my email address is there, or how often I will be checking it.

Weekend

The weekend was good. The wedding went fine. It went and that was the major thing. The boys had an absolute blast. There were a few other children, but not too many so they played, danced, and got sugar stoned from the open bar (they got sodas whenever they liked). It was awesome for them. A little awkward for me, if you know the backstory you know why. If not, it will have to wait, it isn't bloggable I'm afraid. But overall, tolerable and at times enjoyable. Jeff and I had a good time together, and it has been a while for that, so that was good.

I am again, chained to my desk trying to finish all of my reading and assignments. There are only 2 weeks left of this (insert own pejorative here) class. We leave on Saturday for our cruise and I really can't wait. I don't want to have to do too much on the boat. Nathan will have schoolwork, so we will have to take some time, but I don't want it to interfere with our fun! Alright, I am off to it.

BTW-I need a house/dog sitter. Anybody know of anybody?

Happy Happy

It has been an exciting 24 hours. I say that tongue-in-cheek. I am such a spaz sometimes. I become so focused, consumed, and tunnel-visioned with the most ridiculous stuff. The internet went out yesterday afternoon. This was after all of the hullabaloo with my new template and no links. I still have to figure that one out, every time I try to change it to a new color or italicize my words it wipes out my links and comments, but I digress. sort of. So I was already stirred up over that, I wasted too much time on it then I find in the middle of the day nothing is loading. I wait a couple of hours, hoping. I have 2 assignments due. crap.

So I call comcast. I have no bill, they are not in the yellow pages, and I have no internet to look them up, so I dial 1800comcast and sure enough, there they are. So the guy has me unplug my router so he can "look at" my modem. hmmmmmm, not seeing anything, it must be a bad modem or something outside of the house, he has to send someone out but not until tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!?!?!?

I deduce that if it is the modem, I should save some time by trying that first, so I go to kmart to buy a new modem. Not sure if anyone goes to our kmart for electronics, but if you are planning on it, save yourself the time and go to best buy. They had nothing.

SO I buy some pantry organizers (I am a new flylady remember) and leave. I answer my phone and curse and spit at my husband. Poor guy, it isn't his fault. (at least I don't think so).

I go home resigned to just wait until tomorrow. Maybe I can do my assignment with the books I have, save it to a file and upload it from a friends house. I am looking forward to the comcast guy coming, he is always so friendly. We have had several dealings with him since moving. My contractor even gave him the name "Happy" when they were working here. *dripping sarcasm*

So Jeff comes home early and volunteers to take the kids to Wal-Mart to get a new modem. I agree and there is a riot. "I DON"T WANNA GO!" "I WANT YOU TO GO MOMMY!" Then Jeff mentions chinese buffet and I relent.

SO off we go to Sayre. I have no work done whatsoever. But hey, chinese is involved.

We get home and I resist the urge to fiddle with setting up the new modem. We decide that since it is so late we will wait until happy gets here to see for sure before we open the new modem. Jeff monkeys with it a bit, resets it or something to no avail.

This morning I go in and plug the router back in, the lights come on and I have internet.

I call the nice guy back at comcast to cancel Happy. I can only hope the cancellation will reach him in time so as not to disrupt his day, and also so that I don't have to give him the news that I don't need him anymore when he shows up at my door.

I am out the door at 11:35 to pick up my drycleaning and head to Scranton. All is well and no Happy. My day at the new practice is good, very different than from where I was, but good. I am looking forward to being there, however the drive is a bit killer, about 1hr40min. But it is temporary. It got me thinking about a lot of stuff (the drive), but that will have to wait until another blog. The natives are starting to circle...

No links!

I am not sure why, but after I played with my template yesterday I am no longer able to link to anything or view my comments. Except on my laptop from which I do all of my playing since my desktop does not like pop-up windows. (It freezes up and causes me to curse and spit every time)

I have no idea what is going on, my comments are enabled, everything looks the same. I am stressing a bit here, does anyone know what it could be? All the links are enabled on my laptop, but not my other computer and Tiff emailed me this morning to say she could not get into my comments either. Augh!

little help?

FLYing

I have decided to reign in the CHAOS. Do ya wanna know what that is? Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Plus I generally have a lack of routine and organization. So I joined flylady. Some of you know her, I met her once years ago, but she was too hardcore for me at the time. Well, I need to develop some monotony (just kidding) but I do need a routine, and after having a blogiscussion with the housewife about lack of structure at home, I decided to look her (flylady)up again. I am taking my own approach to this so far, but I am going to start her daily routine very soon. I just had to get a jumpstart on the kitchen and let me tell you, it hasn't been this clean since we moved in. I just have the floor to do. I took almost 3 huge trashcans full of junk out of just my kitchen. scary. I even inventoried all foodstuffs to mealplan. I KNOW!

So, I have been doing that for 2 straight days, no interruptions, no plans. It amazes me how much time a house takes. I just want to not always feel like I am cleaning and then having it all undone seconds later. So this is really a change in habits, not a cleaning style. It will hopefully go better than weight watchers. I am not a huge fan of delayed gratification or deprivation. Now is better. ya know?

The next 2 days will be devoted solely to psychopharm, then off to my clinical site in Scranton on Friday.

Then as far as we all still know, my BIL is getting married on saturday.

Then another week of FLYing, psychopharm, then that next saturday my family and I are off to the Bahamas bay bay! Then I return to take my retched final exam. Then 2 weeks of freedom, sweet, sweet freedom.

Intro

I just wanted to let my blooger gals know of another great blog (with a really nice blogger gal on the other end) The (not so) reluctant housewife. She is a very, very old friend, even older than I am. (Sorry kat) Seriously, Kathy was one of my closest friends in high school and we have kept in touch sporadically through the years, but we were real tight for time and I am thrilled to be able to keep up with her a little more regularly now. Don'tcha justlove blogs? Or B-Lawgs if you prefer ;)
Anyhoo, if you could actually meet her you would love her. She is brand spankin new to blogging so if you want, give her a shout.

mid life crisis

I was just visiting an old friends blog and listened to some of her new tunes. Her new tunes usually consist of hippie bands or hair bands, but just the same, I like them. I scrolled down and listened to a Gin blossoms song and it was painful. I know, I know, it is the Gin Blossoms after all (sorry kat). Seriously though, they were all that several years ago and I even had the cassette. But it was painful in that way that only certain sensory elements can grab you and throttle you sometimes, like smells, music is incredibly evocative for me.

Instantly I was hit by the wave. I was just starting out, I had just graduated from college, just bought my first new car, just moved to Phila., just moved into possibly the best apartment ever, just started a great job in a big hospital, and was shoring up the romantic relationship that was to be my last. It was all exciting, scary, but empowering. I was in my very early 20's but I felt I had done all the things an early 20's chick should have done-dated and partied. Now I was done with all that, I was moving on to adulthood and it felt great. I did not fear the movement into the next phase of my life at all.

The song comes in because I used to listen to it frequently (on my tape deck) in that brand new car on the way to work. I thought I had everything wrapped up. I had the world by the short one so to speak. I didn't fear anything.

Over the next 15 or so years things have continued to be more or less great, and fairly routine. Nothing shocking or unusual. Hmmm......

I think back to those times and I realize that the reason that everything was great and I didn't really fear anything is because I had the rest of my life to do whatever I wanted. I had no limitations. I wasn't too old for anything! I know I am not old-old, but it is a little late for some things. I sort of feel like I have been carelessly meandering down this road and now I see where I am heading and I want to slow down or go back a little. My kids are growing up so fast, our young family is maturing and soon I will be sending them off. There are so many things that I enjoy that I think "a girl almost 40 should be more mature". I never, ever, ever want to be the lady that doesn't know she is middle aged. You know, the one who still shops at Abercrombie even though she is 50. Please lady, go across the hall to Eddie Bauer.

Anyway, I have felt over the last few years (pretty much after 35 for me and after the toddler years for the kids) that even though I am looking forward to the next phase(s), I fear them because they are one more phase closer to the end. And I am afraid they won't be as sweet as the last. I guess I just don't feel older sometimes, but I know that I am.

my demise?

Well, it is official. This class is going to kill me. I had an exam last night, I don't remember if I complained about it specifically in my last blog or not but I don't want to go back and check. So, let me just say that the average grade for the class was 56. Yes, that is correct, 56%, like out of 100%. Now I am nothing if not modest, but I would like to add that mine was slightly higher, slightly. 50 questions. multiple choice no less. apparently taken from material that our class was not privvy to.

I am slightly angry at this point, I don't expect it to be easy, nor do I want him to spoon feed us the info directly from the literature. He explained to us that exam questions directly from the readings were appropriate for bachelors level, not masters. oh. pardon me. But perhaps you could give us questions that are somewhat relevant to the work we just neglected our families, homes, (and for some, personal hygiene) for!? I know there are people who studied far more than me and no one did well. So why bother? Is this some teaching technique that I am not familiar with? C'mon, I know there are teachers reading this, divulge! It's torture isn't it, it isn't really techniqe. There is sadism behind this, I know it!

There is a happy ending, he curved it 28 points. Go figure. No,no don't write applicable questions, just provide the most anxiety provoking experience of my academic career to date ( I think I might have PTSD now) and then throw in some extra, unearned points. I think everybody will be happy with that.

My homebound life so far...

So, the kids are home from school today...so far, so good. Nobody has been injured or insulted yet. I however, am in a state of sedated anxiety. I am loving being home again, and I really enjoy having the extra time for study, but all the things I didn't have time for before are taking up my time now and I don't have that much more time to study than I did before. Or so it seems. Jeff was trying to be so helpful last night around 8pm, "why don't you do a couple of hours now?" In my head I am screaming "because I am exhausted due to the large amount of clean clothing you and the children now have, the dinner you just ate that I stood for a little over 3 hours in the kitchen making, the lack of obstacles in your path when traveling from one room to the other, and the abatement of urine smells in all of the bathrooms, etc, etc, etc..." However what I said was, "thanks for your input" and smiled lovingly. I then took my carcass into the bedroom and prepared for an hour or so of Scrubs.

I am having such escalated anxiety because (caution:whining ahead) the classes are getting harder and we still only have a limited amount of time each term to get through everything. In class last Monday, a couple of students were diplomatically lamenting this fact to the prof. to which he icily replied "I know this sounds cold, but you're going to have to get used to it, it doesn't get any easier" then proceeded to tell us that the first exam we had, (which I thought was semi-killer) was sort of a 'gimme'. He used mainly "easy" questions so that we all got off to a good start and gained some confidence. No such charity will be extoled any longer. They should call this class "Extremely detailed microneurobiology and chemistry" I just don't know how I am going to remember all of the drugs, their actions, their indications, the pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics, the chemistry, and how this all works once introduced into the human body (we aren't all alike you know). I feel so out of my league. I would like my GPA to stay where it is, but I also really need to know this stuff! I wish I had paid attention better in undergrad sciences. I didn't think I would ever really use this stuff. So anybody out there in nursing school thinking you only need to know the Krebs cycle for the next exam, you're wrong!!!

I totally feel like a whiner, especially since I don't have to work anymore, but this is awful. I am actually kind of scared. So what am I doing? Blogging. Eh, it helps to vent a bit. I have 42 valentines to make today, quality time to spend with my kids, and I expect to get some stuff done and that will alleviate some of this, so that is all good. Oh, and nobody has had the evil bug that everyone else in Bradford County has had, so that is really good!! I had the Anna version, about 2 days of feeling like crap and thinking "uh-oh, here it comes" but that's it.

Alright, time to get my butt in gear and get at this day. The spewing and self-pity are over (for a while anyway:).

Happy Valentine's Day

Marriage or Resignation

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and it's really more of a rhetorical question, but I welcome your feedback. When does marriage become a resignation from yourself?

Maybe I should give a little background to my query...I have had multiple conversations with friends and acquaintances regarding either impending marriages or existing marriages that are taking place or exist for reasons other than the desire to be with each other. I know what many of you are thinking...maybe along the lines of "it isn't always easy", "marriage is hard", "love is a choice" and maybe just plain old " divorce is a sin". I know this. But I am trying to understand what makes a marriage at the point when one or both of the committed parties no longer wants in, they can't stand each other, they are getting married because it is the "right thing to do", one treats the other with ultimate disdain and disrespect, infidelity exists, etc... Why get married or stay married when the marriage is a sham? How is that a celebration or analogy of Christ and the church?

Now, don't misunderstand, I am not talking about couples who have "issues", we all do and we pray or seek counseling-sometimes both. We try to increase communication becasue we genuinely love and respect our spouse and want the realationship to work, we haven't thrown in the towel and resigned ourselves to the fact that we are no longer or have ever been interested in cultivating a robust and meaningful relationship with the other person. A relationship where everything else is incidental; jobs, friends, children, homes, hobbies, ... everyting stems from the base which is the union. This seems so rare, an authentic couple with this type of relationship. Is it just too hard? Is it really just a pipe dream that you can stay crazy about the same person for the rest of your life? I know there are ups and downs, but I mean overall. At the end of the day you are so glad you married your spouse and despite annoyances, you are glad that you are with them.

It seems there comes a point when you decide to stay or to take the plunge without any real love, and that it is more about a resignation to the wants, needs, or desires that you once had. I don't know, maybe low self-esteem, maybe pressure from well meaning peers and family,maybe guilt. I am not advocating hedonism here, but I am trying to exercise some logic.

I'm stumped.

turd

Just a note to Anna- I thought of you the other day and smiled. I was walking through the foyer on Friday as my darlings were playing blissfully together upstairs with Legos. I just happened to be walking by as I heard Will call his older brother a turd. I didn't even know he knew it. I smiled outwardly as well an inwardly. It just warmed me to know that you are so amused by that word. (sorry Amy...I think I did hear you scream)

This haas is clean

My last day at work was supposed to be last Friday, I had it planned to only see one client, and the rest of the day was going to be reserved for finishing up paperwork, and saying goodbye to the few people that populate the office on Fridays. I would be a free woman, except....another ice storm! Or, "wintry mix" as the meteorologists like to call it. Of all days, the offices are closed. No exit interview, no paperwork, no easy out. They all had a really nice luncheon with cards and even a few gifts on Thursday since it is really a skeleton crew on Fridays. It would have been perfect. So now, I am getting out clothes for tomorrow to go in on a busy Monday. I am hoping to get my stuff done and get out. Friday was a really great day though. The kids were home and they got along so well, all day. Nobody even mentioned TV until afater 3pm - unheard of in these parts! I cleaned and organized my laundry room and rec room, I even did the kitchen. Now, for those of you that know me, know my house and housekeeping skills...you know this is an achievement. I was ready to go, I wanted to do more but the undersides of my feet hurt. (Shoes would have helped) At the end of the day I felt like that weird little chick from "Poltergeist", you know, at the end of the movie where she triumphantly stands with her tousseled little bun in the living room and declares 'this haas is clean!' in her chipmunk drawl.

As the last few weeks of my employment have dwindled, I had increasing moments of panic, like I was walking the plank. I would think, 'what have I done? I am going to be home all the time, what am I going to do!?!?!?!' But after Friday, I am reminded of what a treat it can be to keep a house. It was a blessing to me and my family to have half a house clean.(oh, I also did every blessed piece of laundry, AND folded it right out of the dryer). I am looking forward to doing a better job at it, as well as having some *gasp* free time to read or scrap. I am actually getting kind of excited about getting back into keeping track of my families memories.

It isn't that I abhor cleaning or keeping house, I just get bored with it and get lazy. But I love a clean and well organized home. Just one of my tells of being that lazy perfectionist. I hope my enthusiasm lasts. Although I will have to recooperate after that blitkrieg. I am SO lame after sitting on my butt for 23 out of the 24 hours in the day over the last year that even that bit of physical exertion totally crippled me! I am so ashamed ;) My GF was over on Saturday and we hot tubbed it with Will but I have yet to be able to get up out of the chair with any momentum. Sad. Maybe I should go bowling?

Post Secret

Please check out my old, new favorite site. I forgot about it for a while, new secrets come out every Sunday, What do ya think?

I love xkcd

woohoo!

6 pounds!!! My first week was a success. Now, everyone knows that everyone does really well that first week, never to be matched again until they go off the wagon, gain all their weight back, and then restart. But it was such an encouragement. I am still on the wagon with bikini dreams! YAY!

WWF

No, not the WWF you may be thinking...my version. "Weight Watchers.....F*#$!" Woops, I meant to say fudge. Sort of. I am heading back to WW tonight. I hate aging metabolisms and bad genes. (that's right, it's the genes!) Vacation is coming in only 7 short weeks and I have at least 27 pounds to lose by then. Some of you are probably saying, "wait, didn't she say that weeks ago?" Yes..yes I did. So I am serious now. I had a Baconator on the way home from work to seal the deal. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't go after trauma like that. Ugh, I hate sharing about this, but with it brings a little more accountability I suppose. So, I got my sister to go with me, actually it was her idea and I said no, then reconsidered. I called my neighbor (she just started) for a ride over the 5 blocks to the school. NO, not pathetic, we will walk once the temp rises above 35 or so. If you don't see my progress on here, (oh brother, what am I doing?) please harass me unmercifully. If you need some pointers on how, hop on over to alive and kicking and read his latest blog. :)*teehee*

Huh.

I thought I was so original. You can imagine my dismay when I googled The Lazy Perfectionist, thinking it just might show my blog, and all sorts of hits came up!!! How could this be? I thought of this term. It was conjured solely to be concisely descriptive of my essence! This was me, not the guy on wordpress who is obviously very into computer programming and Japan and goes by the same moniker. There is even a thread from some poor mother getting advice for her 9 year old lazy perfectionist. This term came to me in one of the many car trips to work in which I ponder my general disposition and major malfunctions. It was, well... perfect.

Alas, it was not as original as I believed. I was however, listed about halfway down the page. woo hoo. And although someone thought of it before me, it fits nonetheless.

I thought this thread was particularly interesting:

habits of procrastinators #6
Perfectionism is just another excuse not to finish what you start, and is the realm of the true procrastinator. Or you could just be lazy and can't be bothered to start anything. Either way, you're not going to change - are you?

Is perfectionism just an excuse not to finish anything?
Are you the kind of person who puts off doing things because:
conditions aren't quite right;
you're not in the right frame of mind;
whatever you are doing won't meet your own high standards;
you're afraid that if you can do it once people will expect you to keep on producing to the same high standards;
OK, first things first:
Standards and expectations are subjective. What you might consider easy, someone else may find difficult and vice versa. Brain surgery is not considered difficult for a brain surgeon.
So the next question is - if the item is well within your capabilities - why aren't you doing it and doing it to the best of your abililty? Are you waiting for something or someone to jolt you out of your miserable way of thinking? Or are you waiting for some unseen point in the future? I'll wait until the kids leave home before I...; I'll go on that diet once I've eaten all the "bad" food we have in the fridge; I'll wait until i've won a million on the lottery before I... or until great aunt dorothy dies and leaves me that house in the 'burbs! Put it like this - you might be waiting an awful long time.
If the item(s) are outside your normal zone of comfort - the next question has to be asked - why aren't you willing to challenge yourself and your thinking? If you are not willing to challenge yourself you might as well go and buy a long box and go and sit in it. The effects are about the same.
It seems to me - that perfectionism is just an excuse - either not to finish anything that you start, or not to bother starting anything in the first place. So what happens? You burn the midnight oil to get whatever it is completed, because you failed to start "it" at a reasonable time. You probably justified your actions by finding other more "important" things to do. And because you managed to get something finished and handed in - OK it wasn't your best effort, well you didn't have time did you....you feel justified in deluding yourself that it is OK to keep on delaying and putting things off, until you can do so no longer. In the real world - extensions just don't happen. Does this form of procrastination serve you any better than standing in a corner with your arms folded across your chest, saying - no, I'm not going to do that - because I don't want to...so there!!
Probably not, at least you would be less stressed (out of work perhaps) but less stressed, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and everyone around you.
So stop dotting the i's and crossing the t's !! and just get on with it. Now is all the time there is, so stop wasting it. It might be a cliche, but it is also true that you only have one shot at today and every day at your life - do you want to get to the end of it, sitting in your long box wondering what might have been.

Many thanks

Thank you to so many of you for your calls, cards, comments, thoughts, prayers, and support over the last few weeks. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful and caring friends. I love each and every one of you!